This right here .. is a subject everything in me instinctively wants to stay away from. Even though mental health is so widely discussed these days and so much less “taboo” than it used to be…. It is still so much easier for me to talk about happy, exciting, and “easy” things. BUT I know there’s value in sharing these thoughts, and I know I don’t share them nearly enough on instagram.
Looking back at all the signs, I’ve had depression since I was a kid. I didn’t realize or even know what it was then. I just remember being a very unhappy and insecure person…. for a very long time.
When I was 15, my mental health was so bad that I actually left my home in Florida to go live with my aunt for a year across the country for a big lifestyle change. This was such a pivotal time for me that potentially saved my life. I really grew into myself during this year. I was homeschooled, I learned how to bake and cook, I found peace through gardening and spending time outside, I discovered I LOVED reading.. I just felt so incredibly at peace. My aunt, uncle, and cousins are angels, I owe so much of who I am to them.
Fast forward – my mental health hit an all-time low in 2020 (I think this was the case for a lot of us lol.) Blake was in medical school, I was a newish mom, the pandemic hit, and I was really struggling with social media in a lot of ways. I don’t know how else to describe how I felt other than “numb.” I was doing everything I could possibly think of to better myself. Exercising 6 days a week, eating healthily, waking up early, praying. Nothing “fixed” me. Depression runs in my family.. and I think I finally realized, after YEARS, that what I was experiencing was truly a “chemical imbalance.” I wasn’t broken, I just needed a little help.
I finally decided to try medication. This was so scary to me – but I am SO HAPPY I DID THIS FOR MYSELF. I was on Lexapro for a couple of years and was so incredibly thankful that it worked for me. I was experiencing some bad side effects though (mainly constant fatigue) .. and weaned off after 2 years. I then tried Bupropion for 2 years and genuinely really liked it. The side effects were minimal. I felt the highs and lows of life and no longer felt numb to emotion. However.. I felt a very strong pull to wean off while TTC with our 3rd baby. SO this is me – in the messy middle right now .. unsure if I will get back on medication later on or continue without it. I am torn in lots of ways and unsure – BUT thankful to know there are options that work for me should I feel the need to utilize them again.
I want so badly for my kids to remember me as a positive and present mom.. and I really feel like, with lots of help, I am getting there. I hope if you’re struggling, this maybe helps you feel a little less alone. We’re all just figuring it out as we go. You are loved, you are valuable, and life can feel beautiful and vibrant and full again. Ok- that’s all. Love you thank you for coming to my TED talk.
